The Shows That Raised Me

How media shaped my identity in a controlled world

What happens when the stories that shape you aren’t ones you were supposed to have access to?

For a long time, I thought I just “missed out” on certain parts of growing up.

But when I look back now, I can see something more precise than that.

I wasn’t just missing exposure. I was being shaped by the absence of it.

And then, slowly, I started filling in the gaps.

I Didn’t Grow Up With the Same Cultural Language

Most people grow up inside a shared cultural landscape.

They watch the same shows. They reference the same characters. They absorb the same unspoken rules about relationships, identity, and belonging.

I didn’t.

I grew up in a controlled environment where media access was limited and highly monitored.

As a kid, I was allowed to watch:

• the news

• Rescue 911

• Wheel of Fortune

• Jeopardy

  
  

I remember getting in trouble for watching Full House.

Not because of what was in it, but because I wasn’t supposed to be watching it at all.

At the time, it felt confusing.

Now, I understand it differently.

It wasn’t about content.

It was about control.

Watching in Secret

As I got older, I started finding ways around that control.

I recorded shows when I wasn’t supposed to. I watched things in secret.

I remember being on a beach trip when my dad discovered my stash of recorded episodes of Home Improvement.

He was furious.

And what stands out to me now isn’t the specific show.

It’s the message.

There were parts of the world I was not supposed to have access to.

But I wanted access anyway.

Learning From What I Wasn’t Supposed to See

When I finally had more freedom, especially in middle school and high school, I started consuming everything I could.

Not casually.

Intentionally.

I wasn’t just watching movies and shows.

I was studying them.

I had a neighbor who would let me come over and watch things I wasn’t allowed to watch at home:

• Pretty Woman

• Dirty Dancing

• Ghost

  
  

Later, I became obsessed with:

• Saved by the Bell

• Clueless

• Titanic

• anything with Leonardo DiCaprio or Jonathan Taylor Thomas

  
  

And eventually:

• Dawson’s Creek

• Sex and the City

• Alias

• Lost

  
  

These weren’t just entertainment.

They were my curriculum.

I was learning:

• how people talk to each other

• what relationships look like

• how desire is expressed

• what it means to be wanted

• what it means to belong

  
  

I was building a map of the world from fragments.

What I Learned, and What Didn’t Fit

But learning this way comes with a cost.

Because when your understanding of the world comes from pieces, you don’t always know how they fit together.

You don’t know what’s real.

You don’t know what’s exaggerated.

You don’t know what applies to you.

And you definitely don’t know what’s missing.

So you start trying things on.

You mimic.

You experiment.

You try to locate yourself inside the narratives you’ve been given.

Sometimes it works.

Sometimes it doesn’t.

And when it doesn’t, you don’t always have the context to understand why.

Policing Myself While Trying to Change

Even as I was exploring new identities, I was still carrying the system I was raised in.

I didn’t just absorb new ideas.

I filtered them.

Judged them.

Questioned them.

Policed myself against them.

So there was this constant tension:

Part of me was trying to expand.

Part of me was trying to stay within the lines.

That tension shaped how I moved through the world for a long time.

Desire, Identity, and Confusion

There were moments where I tried to understand myself through what I was seeing.

Moments where I questioned who I was based on how I responded to what I watched.

But without context, those moments didn’t lead to clarity.

They led to confusion.

Because I was trying to understand myself using frameworks that weren’t built for me.

And without guidance, it’s easy to mistake exposure for understanding.

Rewilding Through Writing

At some point, I started writing.

And writing gave me something media never could.

It gave me space to hear my own voice.

Not the voice of a character.

Not the voice of a script.

Not the voice of a system.

My voice.

Writing became a way to:

• question what I had learned

• notice what I had internalized

• and begin to separate what was mine from what wasn’t

  
  

If media helped shape me, writing helped me reshape myself.

From Learning to Unlearning

Over time, I realized something important.

It wasn’t just about what I had learned.

It was about what I needed to unlearn.

The rules.

The assumptions.

The invisible frameworks I didn’t even know I was following.

The systems I had internalized didn’t disappear just because I was exposed to something new.

They stayed with me.

And unlearning them has been a process.

A slow one.

An ongoing one.

What This Is Really About

This isn’t just a story about TV.

It’s a story about exposure.

About what happens when you grow up without access to the same cultural reference points as everyone else.

About what it means to build a sense of self from fragments.

And about what it takes to question the narratives you’ve inherited and begin choosing for yourself.

If This Feels Familiar

If you’ve ever felt like:

• everyone else got a manual you didn’t

• you were learning the rules after everyone else already knew them

• you were piecing together an identity without a full map

  
  

You’re not alone.

And you’re not behind.

You’re just building from a different starting point.